This afternoon our 7-yr-old asked about “protests.” While our 3-yr-old listened in, I explained recent protests were about ways “people have been unkind to black people a long time.” He responded “but we’re not unkind to black people.”
For years, our boys have been the only white kids on our street. Our oldest has seen predominantly non-white children attend our summer day camp and feeding program, watched daddy help diverse people at our Parsonage front door, worshiped in Renovation Community’s services with beloved black church members, and saw two all-black congregations share our church facility in harmony.
He heard the dissonance between the world I described and the life he saw. And he felt the need to say “we’re not unkind to black people.”
[Of course, Scripture says “the heart is deceitful.” Even when we aren’t overtly unkind to others, our “deceitful heart” can hold prejudices our conscious mind overlooks.]
No human one wants to stand accused of something they haven’t done or be lumped-in with others’ terrible actions.
But for reasons I don’t fully understand, we often feel “accused” simply when we hear someone voice their pain. Or we feel the need to assert, “I’m not like that.”
And if we did cause pain, our consciences tempt us to deny or minimize it: “you’re too sensitive;” “I didn’t mean it like that;” “that was so long ago;” etc.
Years of marriage counseling revealed I couldn’t truly hear my wife’s pain because it all felt like a personal attack.
But relational Healing occurs when we listen to another’s pain, regardless of whether we are the direct cause.
I don’t understand life as a black person in our country. But I know my own temptation to interrupt someone mid-sentence when I feel “attacked” by their pain. I know our human nature to bristle when we feel falsely accused. I know my desire to assert “I’m not like that” can override any desire to hear another’s pain.
May we listen well.
When an individual or entire ethnicity voices their pain, may we listen well— suppressing our temptation to self-defend, claim we’re different, or minimize another’s pain.
Healing comes from Listening.
“slander no one, be peaceable and considerate, and always to be gentle toward everyone.” Titus 3:2
